this is my hit.

i hate premenstrual syndrome.

2009-11-07T16:56:41Z

stop letting it get to you!

dear tim:

2009-10-22T04:32:37Z

i adore you more than i adore anybody.

my lolita feelings through kings of leon

2009-10-11T14:52:22Z

By giving in, what am I giving up?
Am I losing way too much?

Every little thing's gotta be just right.

I'm goin' so fast and I can't slow down.
It's hard to get up when you're spinnin' 'round and 'round.
I'd give you the news but nothing's changed.
I'd sing you a song but they took it away.

All wrapped up in this stupid ass game.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2009-09-12T19:03:00

2009-09-12T23:08:06Z

dudes.
still drive me crazy...
pretty sure i'm just too pms right now for my own good.
but SERIOUSLY.

i'm actually going to leave you alone until you miss me.
like REALLY miss me.
maybe then you'll want to talk.

i am really too pms for my own good.
or for your own good.
hahahaha.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2009-07-08T22:53:00

2009-07-09T02:57:10Z

i feel so relieved.
i didn't think i could paint anymore.
or draw.
or imagine.
i guess it wasn't THAT imaginitive, but it sure as hell is a start.
i feel so good.
so so so good.
i have pink paint ALL OVER ME.
and you have no idea how much i love it.

yes.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2009-06-15T08:39:00

2009-06-15T12:42:24Z

WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
COME ON ASHLEY.

THAT isn't you.
This isn't you.

Only 2 more hours, you can figure everything out.

Fuck my life.

it's our god-intended right to be loved

2009-06-10T05:27:26Z

i carry my stress in my stomach.
i have bad digestion for a reason.
i can't eat for a fucking reason.
and i know i do this to myself.
i KNOW i do.
i wish i remembered how to write.
i wish i didn't use everything in my power to keep me busy.
i wish i knew what to do.
and i don't want to know what you're thinking.
but i do want you to act the way you feel.
and if that's what you're doing,
then this is almost done.
and there might not be much i can do.

my head is everywhere right now.
from you, to me, to him, to her, to work, to this.
to how goddamn badly i need a session.
and a really good fucking cry.

i hate this.
i hate this.
i hate me.
FUCK my stomach kills.

... i wonder if you're thinking what i'm thinking.
i wonder if you're feeling the way i'm feeling.
and enjoying it.
i'd almost be okay with that.
maybe that's what's going on.
or maybe, it's just me.

i sort of hope that's what's going on.

I know for a fact

2009-05-29T01:18:35Z

If I didn't talk to most of the people I'm acquainted with, I'd be okay with it.
Sometimes packing up and shipping out sounds better than dealing with most of you.
And I wouldn't mind starting fresh.
Maybe I just make too many mistakes.
Maybe I just don't focus.
Maybe I don't really care.

I need new friends.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2008-07-22T13:09:00

2008-07-22T17:11:35Z

that feeling i get in the pit of my stomach when this kind of stuff happens makes me want to vomit.
and yet you care so much more for yourself it doesn't even matter.

sometimes you make things so fucking hard.

i'm okay with no one reading this.

2007-12-02T05:17:26Z

sometimes you just gotta write somewhere.

i love the male species.
truly.
we mesh well.
and when most people read that, they'd think i'm saying that in some sort of infatuated way, when in reality, that's not what i mean at all.
but thats just how it seems to be with me.
maybe i'm just not clear enough.
people just take my actions, or my words in specific situations, and make them into something they're not.
and it of course, always happens to be men who do it.
you befriend someone, talk to them, get to know them the way you would anyone you can have a civil conversation with, and they take it completely the wrong way.
maybe they see me as some two-timing, self-esteemless chick who needs some attention.
a town bicycle.
when all i ever EVER wanted was friendship. ever.
i pay attention when people talk to me, i respond, i joke, i laugh and when i think someone is a nice person, i tell them that.
so why is it that men always have to get some sort of crush?
or pull some sort of ridiculous move?
when they KNOW for a fact that i'm involved with someone.
i hate when men ask me for my phone number.
i'm never mean. and i never will be.
and i will give you a few minutes to state your case, or at least try.
but YOU WILL ALWAYS GET THE ANSWER NO.
and if we meet and happen to become friends one way or another,
and we talk, or laugh, or generally get along
that does not mean i want you.
in the slightest.
so please, save me the misery of an awkward situation and get over it.
or just don't bring it up
and for funk's sake don't try anything
because it isn't going to happen.
just BE MY FRIEND.
and deal with it.

there's two ways of dealing with this:

one, i can make that perfectly clear to every person(boy) i meet.
almost to the point where if i say "my boyfriend" one more time, i'll gag myself.

or two, i can just stop being friends with boys.

...can you turn your pharamones off?

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2007-07-16T00:39:00

2007-07-16T04:44:16Z

I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position,
There's things you need to hear, so turn off your tears and listen,
Pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around,
No it wont all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good,
You know its nothing new, bad news never had good timing,
The circle of your friends, will defend the silver lining,
Pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around ,
No it wont all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good,
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood, but I know the heart of life is good.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2007-03-25T11:30:00

2007-03-25T15:31:03Z

i just paid my brother two dollars to eat more food in one sitting than i can eat in an entire day (his idea).

in five more days

2007-02-11T17:14:24Z

i'll finally be legal.

wanna know what sucks?

2007-01-09T06:25:57Z

last night was my work christmas party, and i can't remember what happened.

i'm guessing though, it was a blast.

i think i've got it.

2007-01-03T01:35:13Z

ashtray says:
i think being a teacher would be SO much fun... especially for english... my frigging hero is an english teacher
maddy ...boredddd and lonely.... says:
well then you can be a hero too
ashtray says:
that's actually a really cool way to look at it... never really saw it like that before haha
maddy ...boredddd and lonely.... says:
ya!
ashtray says:
aww thanks maddy... that gave me a bit more to think about

honestly, i don't think she could have said anything better.

I think, if i could do for one kid what Pedrech did for me... I'd be happy for the rest of my life.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2006-12-21T08:27:00

2006-12-21T13:27:30Z

the holidays and their insanity continue...
is all this craziness for one day really that necessary?

yes, because consumerism rules our lives.

i love you very very much.

2006-12-14T07:38:58Z

"i'm falling in love with you, balloons or no balloons,"
"where i will annoy you, with every waking breath, until you decide to wake up,"
"honey you are a rock,"
"i was on your porch, the smoke, it sank into my skin,"
"you are everything i wanted,"
"i could hold you in my arms, i could hold you forever,"
"mess up my bed with me"
"she pulled you in, and she bit your lip, and she made you hers,"
"i want to live life, and be good to you,"
"i'll follow you into the dark,"
"when she goes stormin' out, i run for cover,"
"but it's you i fell into,"
"why'd you have to be so cute?"
"i'm thinking its a sign, that the freckles in our eyes, are mirror images and when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned,"
"i'll know her face a mile away,"
"baby you're the only light i ever saw,"
"aw honey, help me pick up the change,"
"playin' kiss covers, beautiful and stoned,"

i don't expect anyone to really know what most of this is,
but it's pretty damn special.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2006-12-13T11:54:00

2006-12-13T16:54:57Z

19 and the assistant manager of a really cool store?
i could do it, i just don't want to.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2006-12-12T23:53:00

2006-12-13T04:53:04Z

baby you're the only light i ever saw.

i think i might go stare at the ceiling in my room.

2006-12-06T03:28:07Z

i'm listening to rufio for the first time in years.
... the memories.
i'll always remember that shit.

Michelle Verbeek, get drunk and listen to Less Than Jake with me.

today i love:

2006-11-29T03:54:29Z

tyler faulkner
mummy
mamasita
cutting hair
alisha and connie
regular chips
the foo fighters dvd
juice, as always.

VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

2006-11-24T04:44:15Z

Today my brother punched some kid in the face because he called me a slut. It was completely unnecessary, but cute nonetheless.
I'm going to RMC tomorrow. I just shuddered.
I'm picking up my year book, and visiting a few people... being Mz. Wells, and Mz. Atkinson.... maybe Mz. Capitano if I can find her.
I wish Pedrech was still there. He'd be first I'd visit. HEY maybe I'll go see Mr. Bradley too.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2006-11-22T22:17:00

2006-11-23T03:17:19Z

ACCEPTANCE BROKE UP!
noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2006-11-19T21:30:00

2006-11-20T02:30:28Z

try something:

listen to "Whoo! Alright Yeah...Uh Huh" by The Rapture and don't tap a foot, or swing a hip, or bob a head.
www.myspace.com/therapture

it can't be done.

ahoaxtolivefor5 @ 2006-11-16T22:20:00

2006-11-17T03:20:55Z

i will never understand the human race.